RELATIONSHIP COUNSEL FOR 2017

relation-goals-2017-feature-imageI felt an urge lately to roll out some fundamental principles and advice I feel would help a whole lot out there who are intending to go into relationships and who are already in relationships. Knowledge is key to freedom in life and reason people suffer in relationships is because they lack basic knowledge about how to make it enjoyable and successful. Below are some points I would like you to note;

  1. NEVER YOU ASSUME FOR ANY MAN AS A WOMAN OR VICE-VERSA

Most often this is very peculiar to ladies. A guy approaches you and the next thing you do is to assume you are in a relationship already because he is all loving. That’s very wrong to do; a man will ultimately take advantage of that and once he gets what he wants he cuts you off completely. Then you run back here for advice. Let 2017 be different

  1. ALWAYS DEFINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Also I am directing this to the ladies. Most often than not when a man approaches you and doesn’t say anything but instead shows you love, you tend to keep quiet. That’s very dangerous cos in his own mind, he hasn’t told you anything, so he won’t feel bad if anything goes wrong; you know what I mean. ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS and he must be clear about it. If he sounds unserious, be bold enough to cut him off

  1. NEVER ACT DESPERATE EVEN IF YOU ARE

Unfortunately, some ladies unconsciously act desperate and they are not aware. Try to be conscious of your every move. There is a tendency he won’t take you serious and would do what he normally wouldn’t want to do before.

  1. SEX IS NOT THE KEY

98% of problems in relationships have one thing or the other to do with Sex; Trust Me. Naturally when a man truly loves you, there is a urge to just have a taste of you. That’s where his love can be tested and it is a litmus test which most guys fail. If he truly loves you, he will definitely wait without going to get it out there. Love is Patient. Also why would you want to give in when you know it hurts your maker

  1. GIVING IS A FUNCTION OF LOVE

You can’t say you are in LOVE and not GIVE. Yes, it is very true you can give and not love but it is impossible to Love without Giving; at this point, check that love he/she has been professing if he/she ain’t giving no matter how little depending on your capacity.

  1. YOU AINT SEEN NOTHING YET

Whatever you see in a relationship, you will definitely get in multiple fold in marriage from the same person most often than not. In a relationship there is always a tendency to suppress/conceal certain traits but in marriage we tend to relax and open up, hence unveiling our real self. If you get abused in a relationship, just know that’s just a tip of the iceberg; so RUN.

  1. SEEK PEACE

Truth is, you are not a spirit, and hence, you don’t know exactly the intent of the heart of whosoever you are dating or wanting to date. Then how are you even sure he is the right person with a good intention? GOD knows the heart of man and He is a ‘revealer’ of secrets. If you have a relationship with God, you experience an unfathomable Peace within if you are with the right person and if not, you feel troubled. So endeavour to have a relationship with God and He will surely help you.

Tell yourself ENOUGH IS ENOUGH in 2017. You can’t continue to do the same thing and over and over again and expect a different result, that’s insanity. If you need to get out of that thing you call a relationship, Please I encourage you to. Truth is that keeping a relationship into marriage takes work; if you ain’t ready to work, then you ain’t ready for a real relationship. I encourage to you to read My Personal Love Story and more stories on this blog so you can be inspired.

Follow me on IG: @haastrup_rowland

MY LOVE STORY 2

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And of course I resumed work as a corp member in Sokoto and the work there was so flexible – I see patients only on Mondays and Thursdays. It was the HIV unit of the State specialist hospital, hence had more time in my hands. I was a very active member of the National Christian Corpers’ Fellowship and of course a prayer band member. I loved God, I don’t miss fellowships and of course some few times lead prayer meetings which was usually evident with a feelable presence of God.

Well, we talk all the time and of course ensured I spoke with her at every little opportunity and about every little thing/event possible. I found it difficult travelling so regularly as the distance was so much as it was a 18-hour journey by road; and travelling by air wasn’t cost effective with Arik airline at that time being the only airline, hence the exorbitant air transport fare.

After some few weeks, the calls and pingings dropped, lukewarmness set into the relationship, things went cold and then I had to travel to see her, yes I had to travel for 18 hours to Seun Pelemo, sorry, Seun Haastrup. I got to Ife and tried to get the bonding back, there was just little I could do though it was helpful for a short while. Of course, after just a few weeks later everything went cold again. We would call each other and just get blank on the phone, more complains surfaced, more flimsy & avoidable arguments ensued. This got so worse at a time and of course with the prayerful person that I was, I had a dream after a prayer session at night. My fiancée was holding hands with another man and gisting; she looked so happy. I called her to come to me but she refused initially. She came eventually after so much plea, then I woke up. This dream got me disturbed for a while but disregarded it after prayers and counsel from my pastor in Sokoto. I knew we drifted apart already and only God could save this with the distance. I travelled to see her about twice afterwards before the completion of my NYSC, but nothing changed much.

I got a job immediately which I resumed for in February 2013. Yes life was good, a brand new car, a driver, good job with money to make; life was sweet. It looked like I never saw that kind of life or freedom before. Abuja babes stared, I couldn’t help but stare back – it all looked like a new world. Abuja babes are bad, they would do anything to get what they want. You’ve got a good job, an apartment and a new car; which Abuja babe wouldn’t wish…very rare. I unconsciously got involved in a string of emotional infidelities which I found so difficult to control, I kinda enjoyed it but little did I know I was drowning and straying from the path I had known all my life.

I wouldn’t want to go into details on how my fiancée discovered what was happening but on a fateful day she did and she called me to tell me; she told me to forget about my relationship with her talk less of marrying her. I couldn’t imagine losing a woman I loved so dearly and had been with for almost 5years. Few minutes after I got the shock of my life, I started having shivers all over my body from my spine, then I found myelf losing balance and falling to the ground; everything went black. I had a very overzealous driver who, according to him, carried me in his arms into the car and zoomed off to the Accident & Emergency unit of Maitama District Hospital. I woke up some few hours later. The doctors couldn’t detect what the problem was or what actually happened; I was the only one who knew this all happened from the heart. While all that happened, my parents & bosses had been contacted who in turn contacted & pleaded with my fiancée – she became a celebrity all of a sudden. She forgave me that day and while we spoke after I woke up she told me to forget about everything. I knew that very day that losing my fiancée means I was a dead man.

Of course after all that happened, the bond got stronger than ever. Just some few days afterwards she told me how she was also involved in emotional infidelity while I was in Sokoto and some part of my time in Abuja. I forgave her immediately and we understood these all happened as a result of the fact that we didn’t put in enough effort into the relationship just after the distance came into existence.

No one is beyond emotional infidelity, most often than not, one usually isn’t conscious of it nor when one is gradually falling into the pit of emotional infidelity. You know you are falling into emotional infidelity when;

  1. You are calling and chatting with a person of the opposite sex more than your fiancé(e)
  2. You are discussing issues in your relationship with a person of the opposite sex on a continuous basis
  3. You start getting fond of a person of the opposite sex and want to most times be with the person

These are just a few I can say at the moment on emotional infidelity until I post an article on that.

After all that happened, we decided to get married and of course we finally got married on the 4th of July, 2015 – the day the Lord made.

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MY LOVE STORY 1

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I had never been in any serious relationship until I met my wife. Sometimes in July 2008 while I was studying at Fajuyi hall café (where of course virtually everyone in Fajuyi hall hostel of OAU studied), I sighted this damsel reading just across me, she was wearing a denim and a pair of brown sandals, and for the next 2hrs I totally lost concentration. She left before I knew it and didn’t see her until October 2008. Sometimes in October 2008, at the faculty of pharmacy where I was training I once again saw this same damsel, this time on a more corporate dress & skirt but in a more awkward state – she had a bandage all around her left leg. YES I was glad I eventually had something to say when I walk up to her. I walked up to her to tell her how sorry I was about her state and asked what actually happened. Of course I started tracking her with respect to where she reads, where she resides, her timetable schedule and so on but never stalked her; I want to believe tracking and stalking are two different things.

Of course in November 2008 while I was preparing for my 300L second semester exams, I ensured I read more where she read too. I met her on several occasions at Oduduwa Lecture Theater where I studied but on one of those days I walked up to her to still speak with her with my heart pounding fast. I think she liked me too but never showed it all through when we met. I liked a lot of things about her – her gait, her calmness, her looks, she was a good Christian too. I think one of the things that endeared me to her was the fact that I loved God, yes I love God. I held a number of positions in the National Fellowship of Christian Pharmacy Students and was a very active member. She was proud of me. At the level of the faculty, I was very resourceful and active in the student association. Never fall in love with one who doesn’t love God, as one who doesn’t love God can’t love you, for God is Love

Well after my final 300L exam results were out I had two papers to resit, so I had to leave Lagos which was my base to Ife to prepare for my resit exams. While I was away I couldn’t help thinking about Seun, yes Oluwaseun Pelemo was her name. While I got back to campus I called her so we could see, as her dad was a lecturer on campus so they live at the staff quarters on campus. We met severally while I prepared for my papers. She encouraged me and lifted my spirit with her presence. I knew I just had to pass at least to still have hope of getting her. I sat for these exams, passed and yes was so excited cos we bonded all through my stay, I stayed a lil longer so we could bond further before returning to Lagos to prepare for 400L. We grew fond of each other, liked each other, became good friends.

We resumed in January 2009 for the new semester and my main mission that semester was that I would make my intention known to her. We met severally, talked, became better friends and still in the month of January I summoned up the courage to tell her. I had an evening lecture on 30th January which was a Friday and I previously told her I needed to see her so she could wait for me. After the lecture, we met, trekked towards my hostel with my heart pounding like I just ran a 200m race. I couldn’t say anything for almost 40 minutes of being together; then I told myself if I don’t talk now someone else would. I then took her somewhere where we could be alone, I told her I liked her & that I wanted to be more than just a friend, I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life with her – this stunned her as that meant marriage to her. I told her to think about it and when she is done thinking through she should let me know her mind. I gave her all the time in the world. If you are sure of what you want, go for it. Don’t delay as delay could be dangerous. You can lose her if you delay.

Well I waited and on the 24th of February, 2009 she walked into my room, fidgeting and panting like she ran a 100m race into my room. I calmed her down and told her to talk to me about whatever the problem is. Well she stayed in my room for just some 20mins without saying anything meaningful and decided to leave. I accompanied her to her hostel. While on the way she told me she had agreed to all I said and would love to be with me. YES I was on top of the world and I lost appetite that evening out of excitement. Her presence was something I always longed for; we played, gisted and we were best of friends as everyone around us knew these two were so in love. The entire faculty knew. We were the envy of many.

After some few weeks of our relationship, we started having issues, a lot of misunderstanding. I was the playful type and she was the serious type, so she misread a lot of things I say out of the playful mood and she gets pissed most times. It took a lot of patience to understand each other. I wouldn’t want to go into details but we were together for over 3years before we could understand each other better. Yes that was a long time to endure in just a relationship, but I stayed put as I made up my mind to be with her, I already loved her as myself. Love suffers long, Love is patient too. Another thing I forgot to mention; cos of our love for God, we made up our mind not to have sex or do anything that could lead to sex – kissing, fondling, smooshing, etc. YES we never kissed. At a time we used to hug but we got uncomfortable hugging, so we stopped. We had urges severally so we just go to a public place to do the talking and gisting. Sex aint a proof of love, infact it kills whatever love was there before. If you release yourself to have sex with him, you become so worthless to him. If he can’t wait, he ain’t worth it. LOVE IS PATIENT.

After 3 years of being together, then it was time to go for my NYSC. I was posted to Sokoto. Never been in a distant relationship. Wondered how I could cope with such distance. I left for Sokoto in February, 2012 after my one-year internship at Obafemi Awolowo University Teaching Hospital, Ile-Ife. During the first 3-week camping, we spoke, shared what happened as each day passed by. I resumed at the state specialist hospital, Sokoto in April, 2012. We talked, laughed and gisted over the phone; chatted for some weeks and THEN THE DRAMA STARTED. How did we cope…I almost lost her.

to be continued

10 things you need to know about real love – Part 1

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My God, these folks don’t know how to love—that’s why they love so easily  — David Herbert Lawrence

Many people want to be in relationships, without really having a clue what it is all about or what they’re all about.

Real love is akin to getting married, having babies, or even getting a dog. Many people have some romantic fantasy about all these things without looking at the work involved or the responsibility or the commitment required. Some think more about the DJ they want at the wedding, the gurgling and happy baby, or the fun-loving puppy. They don’t think about how to live with a person every day, deal with a colicky newborn, or manage a “mouthy” puppy who keeps eating the sofa.

Each of these wonderful things has another side that you must acknowledge going in, or you will fail. Every day, couples get divorced, dogs are dropped at shelters, and cranky babies are ignored or, worse, mistreated—because the responsibility inherent in marriage, parenthood, and pet ownership has been ignored.

Being able to love and be loved for many years in a good and healthy way takes WORK. It takes resisting urges. It’s about making a decision not to do things that would wreck your relationship or hurt your partner—like calling someone a name, being selfish when you should help out, not acknowledging or caring about your partner’s needs, or having an affair. It includes big and little things. Love is an action, love is work, and love is a decision.

It doesn’t take work to be in a dysfunctional relationship; people do it all the time. Taking someone hostage or allowing yourself to be taken hostage is boring and predictable. It might be chaotic, destructive and dramatic, but in the end…same old same old.

To love someone, really love someone who really loves you, too, is about being a good and sane and supportive and caring partner; knowing how to understand and compromise; knowing to accept your partner for who he or she is without trying to change them.

It’s not about taking someone away from those they love. It’s not about being locked into some strange desperation with each other, hoping and praying that no one cracks the shell. Too many unhealthy relationships depend on each person convincing the other that the world is out to get one or both of them.

Anything that is enlarging comes with work and responsibilities—responsibility to self and to each other. A couple must support each other’s hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

If you’re not there yet, you can start to work on what you will and will not do to nurture yourself and your idea of what a healthy relationship is. And there are some things you can do that will almost guarantee a healthier relationship:

1. To find the right person, be the right person. Before you get back into a relationship, build your life. Finish your unfinished business. Become objective about what went wrong in your last relationship, and in the relationships before that. Do a relationship inventory and a life inventory. You must discover the patterns and habits that torpedoed previous relationships before you get into a new one. If you’re in a relationship and trying to salvage or save it, you—both of you—must figure out and heal that which has been hurting you and your relationship. If one partner changes, the other is forced to change or leave. You cannot maintain the status quo when one of you chooses to change.

2. To be the right person and to find real love, you must develop your boundaries. Know what you stand for before you have to stand for it. Is an affair a deal breaker? What else will you NOT stand for: Porn use? Pot abuse? Drunkenness? Forgetting to call? Standing you up? Not being financially stable? Not holding a job? Not being honest? You have to know this before you are tested. You have to be able to say, “If x happens, I am out of here—without argument.”

Make sure you know what would be a deal breaker for you—and make sure you break the deal if it happens. Be committed to walking away when a deal breaker breaks. If there are other things that you think deserve second and third chances, then commit to walking away the second or third time it becomes an issue. If you stay beyond that, you’re basically lying to yourself. Walk away for what you believe in. Otherwise you’ll just be stuck in dysfunction again and bargaining with yourself in order to accept what you shouldn’t accept.

3. Real love communicates in a healthy way. Name calling is out. Blaming and nitpicking is out. Accusations are out. Learn to begin sentences with “I feel” or “I think” or “In my opinion,” and be with others who communicate similarly. Don’t let anyone project onto you what you are thinking or feeling. Don’t defend yourself against that which you’re not doing. There is much game-playing in dysfunctional relationships. The only way to win is not to play. Healthy relationships are about forthright and honest communication. You can learn more on my article communication problem in relationships.

4. Real love requires goals and aspirations, both individually and as a couple. You have to have plans and dreams, and agree on the future. You must help each other fulfill your hopes and dreams as individuals and as a couple. Figure out what you’ve always wanted to do—and do it. Find out what your partner wants in life and out of life. Figure out, early on, if you can and will support each other in achieving everything you’ve always wanted. It is important that you figure this out early on.

5. As a prelude to finding real love, learn to be discriminating in all your relationships—with family, friends, acquaintances, and co-workers. Learn to make choices and not just let friendships and professional relationships “happen.” Don’t spend time with family just because they’re family. Choose to only have those in your life who are loving, respectful, honest, and open, and who care about you. Choose people who know that trust is earned and that once broken, it’s next to impossible to get back. Choose people who do not keep you guessing about how they feel, or how they feel about you. Choose people who are not ambivalent about you or their relationship with you.

Don’t put up with people who say, “I’m confused,” “I gotta be me,” or, “I want to be a good partner, but I don’t know how.” You get what you put up with. If you want less doubt in your life, stop putting up with it. Real love is discriminating and insists upon loving treatment no matter what.

culled from ‘psychology today’

Is There Love After Valentine’s Day?

_3(_)Umbuswitz(_)_3Valentine’s day for year 2013 has come and gone. What do feel right now? Emptiness? Fulfillment? Excitemement? Why don’t you sit back and think about this.
Valentine’s day is just a day out of 365 days when we are filled with the euphoria of showing love one to another; by giving out gifts, going out on a love date to eat and drink, having sex and so on.
Have you ever asked yourself why you never feel so treatment with utmost love and affection for the remaining 364days unlike Feb 14. NO you haven’t…then now is the time to ask yourself just that, reiterate and think deep.
Val’s day is a day when Latex condoms are sold the most(sold out if I may say.) Sex readily comes to mind among couples on Val’s day. Why? Because the sole intent of Val’s day has been misconstrued and painted to be a day for love affair. OK, you had sex because it was Val’s day, GOOD, but what about evey other day of the year?
Wait a minute! Have you ever for once deprived him of sex? How was his reaction? Mad at you, right?
Over 97% of the time, his reaction is somewhat reflecting an attitude that aint powered by love; infact void of love. This is a reflection of the fact that he is more interested in having sex with you than just showing that affectionate love to you.

Before I continue, I have to make a point here and say emphatically that, SEX IS NOT AN EVIDENCE OF LOVE in a relationship(not marriage)

If he acts that way the first time, do it for like two more times subsequently, it can then be concluded that it is 99% possible that the relationship is going to break. This is a very good way by which you can know if a guy truly loves you or not.
Love should be a lifestyle. In the words of your mouth, in your disposition to your partner, in your actions and even in the way you settle disputes, let love reflect.
The initial “jim jim” and “shacking” at the start of a relationship can’t take a relationship far at all; at this stage Love isn’t learnt at all, neither does understanding come into play. Research has shown that most of the times, the relationship starts having troubles, lots of misunderstandings between the first 4-8months. This is the most trying period in every relationship. If not well taken care of, boredom sets in, both partners start getting tired and of course the relationship is already heading for the rocks; after some few weeks, definitely a break up.
As said in my previous articles (check out my archives for that), Patience and Humility bringing about Understanding is the major solution to this stage of every relationship, only if both partners are ready to make things work. If not, why remain in a relationship you aren’t prepared to make work? Get out of it!!!

I will be talking more on the “Mathematical Schematics of Relationship” in my next article. Watch Out!

In conclusion, like you took her out on Val’s day and made her feel special, make it a lifestyle. Let her feel loved and not just feel like a vessel for easing yourself of sexual tension. Take her out occasionally (not necessarily expensive) but instead your focus should be to make her feel loved. Say sweet words to her (not erotic words, for these are not driven by love); words you actually mean from your heart – don’t lie to her. Let her always smile at just the thought of you even while you aren’t around.
Then you will know there isn’t anything special about Val’s day afterall; because it would just be like every other day after a while.

Thanks for reading through. Kindly drop a comment and share.

Reasons Relationships Fail 2

This article looks at some situations and circumstances in which harmonious relationships break down. If we know why relationships are liable to break down we can avoid the pain involved.

 

First, partners may differ in ambition: If one of the two people is insanely driven and the other one totally laid-back, the relationship won’t work. One would regard the other one as “type A” and too intense, and the other would regard him or her as too lazy and even a freeloader. Thus career focus and achievement motivation should be fairly balanced among daters (even if they have different careers, they should be equally ambtious.

 

Daters may differ in openness: if one of them has a “hungry mind” but the other one has no interests in culture or knowledge, they will struggle. Indeed, highly open people are constantly trying out new things: they love travelling to new places, trying out new foods, and doing unusual things. Conversely, people with low openness are conservative, risk-averse, and will end up seeming boring to their more curious partners.

 

Furthermore, daters may differ in emotional intelligence: if this difference is minor, it will be tolerated. However big differences will cause one of the partners (the less emotionally stable one) to use the other one as a shrink! Indeed, stable people are the perfect target for neurotic partners, because they have sedative effects on them! So, if you are highly emotionally stable and single, beware of needy, neurotic, people!

 

Moreso, daters may differ in sociability: again, reasonable differences may be tolerated—and most couples, even successful ones, have partners with different levels of extraversion. However if one of the two is much more sociable than the other, he/she will be much more interested in meeting new people, going out to parties, and spending a great deal of time advertising his/her private life on facebook; in contrast, the other person will want a private, quiet and personal relationship (which will bore the extraverted partner to death!

 

Last, but not least, partners may differ in altruism or agreeableness: indeed, if one of them has high interpersonal sensitivity but the other one has low empathy levels, they will end up behaving in very different ways—and, especially the more sensitive partner, will find the selfish behaviour of his/her partner borderline rather immoral: whether its recycling or cycling, giving to charity or donating blood, partners should be equally predisposed to helping others…or they will experience cognitive dissonance.

 

Those are some situations that could help in seeting out in a full blown relationship.

My next article will be highlighting the major reasons and specific attitudes that make relationships fail.

 

Thanks for reading through. Kindly comment and share.

 

Reasons Relationships Fail 1

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Failed relationships are one of the biggest causes of stress and unhappiness in life. Working on successful relationships, whether they are with our children, parents, friends or partners, is one of the most important life skills we can learn. If we cannot maintain lasting relationships, we will always struggle to be happy.

Online dating is one of the fastest growing industries, and many websites now include some sort of profiling tool for predicting romantic compatibility. However, few of these websites have taken the time to consider the intricate issue of predicting compatibility, namely that there is no simple way of defining relationship success.

Indeed, how you judge the success of a relationship depends on several psychological and cultural factors, not to mention age and gender. In the Western world, most people—at least those aged 25-40 (who represent the main target of most online dating sites)—equate success to a happy relationship, a memorable wedding, and healthy children. Yet marriages are at an all-time-low, and if divorce rates continue to increase the way they have been for the past 20 years, then only a minority of couples can expect to be together for over 15 years… let alone “forever”.

Furthermore, what people prioritise (among the common criteria) depends on who they are, what their values are, and where they live. For example, some people may prefer a longlasting relationship with no children to a shortlasting one with children; others, a short passionate relationship to a long, dispassionate one; and some may prefer a relationship that is compatible with their career plans (and financially advantageous) to one that is not, even if the latter is based on love.

The question, then, is not how to predict compatibility, but how best to define it—and the first step to answer this question is to look at whether the two people in a relationship share compatible views on what a successful relationship should be. Clearly, if they disagree on what they need, they will only be happy by accident.

It’s pretty obvious why some relationships fail – lies about illegitimate love children, dalliances with strippers, a dwindling sex life – but what about some of the less obvious reasons? What about those couples who simply say that they’ve “fallen out of love” with their other half? Or that they have no idea why they broke up, but they just knew somehow that it wasn’t right?
Celebs like to call it “irreconcilable differences”; I like to call it “the grass is greener syndrome”, and a friend of mine likes to call it “the loss of pride factor”. By his reckoning, there is only one reason that all relationships fail: you are no longer proud of your partner.
“Once you lose pride for the other person, the relationship is broken,” he tells me. And somehow I think he’s right. But that’s not the only problem.

Watch out for the other part of this article. Thanks for reading through. Comment and Share.